


How's That Not Going to Make the Post?

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-13
Updated: 2006-08-13
Packaged: 2019-05-31 10:45:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15117725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: "You didn't say anything about my tongue."





	How's That Not Going to Make the Post?

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**How's That Going Not to Make the Post?**

**by:** Montiese 

**Character(s):** Ensemble  
**Category(s):** Humor   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Summary:** “You didn’t say anything about my tongue.”  
**Written:** 2006-01-16  
**Author's Note:** None of this is plausible, and you know what, that's what made it fun. 

The women began to gather up their purses and jackets as the men looked on. 

“Where are you going?” the President asked. 

“We have a suite.” CJ replied. 

“A suite? For what?” Leo asked. 

“For the party.” Abbey said. 

“This was the party.” Toby said. 

“No.” Nora shook her head. “This was the dinner before the party. We have more fun waiting upstairs.” 

“Why didn’t you tell us about the party upstairs?” Leo asked. “We’ve could’ve wrapped this up over an hour ago.” 

“We didn’t tell you because you aren’t invited.” Zoey said. 

Jed, Leo, Toby, Josh, Charlie, and Sam stood there with their mouths agape. They weren’t invited. And just what were they supposed to do with the rest of their evening? Jed pulled Abbey to the side. 

“Abbey, I have a thing back at the residence.” He was nearly whining. 

“What kind of thing?” 

“A birthday thing.” 

“Oh Jethro, that is so sweet. I will make sure to be back by closing time. You better get to bed at a decent hour.” She kissed his cheek. “Let’s go ladies.” 

They walked out of Marie Antoinette’s, followed closely by Abbey’s five person Secret Service detail and Bill and Sylvie, CJ’s two agents. They all crammed on the elevator and Donna pushed PH. 

“Where is Nancy?” Abbey asked. 

“She is in the suite already.” Donna said. “She is setting everything up ma'am.” 

“Am I going to be surprised? I'm not very easily surprised.” 

“Don’t worry mom, this time you will be.” 

Once they got off the elevator, there were 12 Secret Service agents in the hall. CJ sucked her teeth. 

“OK, this is a bit insane. We want two agents from each detail to stay…the rest of you can go back to the car.” 

One of Abbey’s agents stepped forward. 

“Ma'am, Agent Butterfield said…” 

“Well he ain’t here, is he?” Abbey asked. “There will be 6 agents in the hallway and no one will be leaving the room. Go downstairs.” 

“Yes ma'am, but we will have to report this to Agent Butterfield.” 

“OK. Goodnight.” 

They all went into the suite, Abbey, CJ, Nora, Donna, and Zoey. Bill and one of Abbey’s agents, Simone Gaffney, also entered the suite. Nancy poured champagne, handing one to each woman as she entered the sitting room. 

“A toast.” The National Security Advisor held up her glass. “To Abigail on her 60th birthday. Believe me when I tell you that you will never have another like it.” 

“Cheers!” 

They sipped champagne and munched on finger food. 

“Time for the song and some cake!” CJ said. 

“I already had cake.” Abbey said as Zoey directed her to sit in the big chair. 

“Not this cake.” Nora replied. 

She and Nancy wheeled the gigantic cake out with a sparkler on top. Abbey smiled. She really had no idea what they were up to but one did not need to be a thoracic surgeon to figure out what was inside that cake. 

_Happy Birthday to you_  
Happy Birthday to you  
Happy Birthday dear Abbey  
Happy Birthday to you  
And many more! 

The stripper jumped out of the cake, wearing a lab coat and a stethoscope. 

“Happy birthday Abbey.” She said. 

Nancy helped her out of the cake. She pushed play on her CD player and the music started to _Where My Girls At_. When she danced, all the women got into it. CJ pulled $20 worth of one-dollar bills out of her purse. She gave five to Abbey. 

“Happy Birthday sweetie. Make good use of them.” 

_Where my girls at_  
From the front to back  
Well is you feelin that  
Hold one hand up  
Can you repeat that?  
Tryin to take my man  
See I don’t need that  
So don’t play yourself. 

“Did you vet this stripper?” Nancy asked, mesmerized as the girl touched all over herself. 

“Three times.” Nora said. “She is a lot cleaner than that dance she is doing right now.” 

She peeled off the coat to reveal a sparkling lime green bikini. 

“Take it off baby!” Zoey exclaimed. 

They all laughed. It looked like the youngest Bartlet was ready to have a good time. The girl gyrated in front of Donna and though the senior assistant seemed a bit embarrassed, she managed to put a dollar in her thong. CJ stuck a dollar in her mouth, got down on her knees and danced over to the stripper. The girl got into it, shaking it right in CJ’s face as Nora slid in front of her and stuck a five-dollar bill in her bra. Abbey watched the three women dance and smiled. 

“I think the birthday girl needs a bit of attention.” 

The stripper smiled, shimmying over to the First Lady. She removed the top on the way there. Sliding her body against Abbey’s, she went down in a split and came up again. 

“Holy Moses.” Nancy breathed. 

Abbey took the dollar bill, turned her around, put it in her thong, and gently slapped her ass. 

“Go mom!” 

Soon they were all dancing and the music ended with a flourish. 

“Now Abbey,” Nancy put her hands on the stripper’s shoulders. “We have a special surprise for you. A little private dance.” 

“You're shitting me? Really?” 

“Yes ma'am.” The stripper replied. “Any way you want it.” 

“Damn, so many positions and so little time.” 

Simone stepped forward. 

“I have to be in the room with you Mrs. Bartlet.” 

“Understandable. Let’s go.” 

They walked off into the bedroom and closed the door. CJ lit a cigarette. 

“Damn, I want to be in that room.” 

“I don’t.” Donna replied. 

There was a knock on the door and Bill answered it. 

“Am I late?” the guy asked as he walked in. 

“No Sid, you are right on time.” Nora waved him in. “Ladies, this is Sid Gardner, tattoo artist extraordinaire.” 

“You got the beer I like right Nora?” he asked. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

“Tell me your name and how old you are.” 

“Katie ma'am. I'm 22.” 

“Ah yes, that is why your breasts are so perky.” 

“Sit down Mrs. Bartlet. How do you want it?” 

“What are my choices?” Abbey asked. 

“You can sit and enjoy the fun, which requires no touching. Or you can join right in…I like to call that the ladies night special. Your birthday, your choice.” 

“I want to sit and enjoy…I never back down from a challenge.” 

“Yes ma'am.” 

She pushed play on the CD player and the music started for _Take My Breath Away_. Katie barely sat on her lap, pushing her ass into Abbey’s face as she reached down to caress her legs. She turned, moving her hands down Abbey’s chest until she cupped her breasts. Abbey grinned as Katie climbed in her lap, moving her breasts against Abbey’s until the First Lady moaned. She lifted her hand. 

“Uh uh uh, don’t touch. You don’t want to find out what I do to bad girls.” 

“Oh yes I do.” Abbey replied. 

She unbuttoned the top three buttons of Abbey’s blouse before pulling away from her. This elicited a growl from the First Lady. She was on her lap again, grinding into Abbey as she rubbed her own breasts and leaned back for Abbey to get a good vantage point. 

“This is definitely not your first time.” Katie said. 

“No comment. Do that again.” 

“I believe I run the show in this room.” 

She took Abbey’s face gently in her hands, drawing it to her breasts. Abbey flicked her tongue across the pert nipples and Katie laughed. 

“You didn’t say anything about my tongue.” Abbey said winking. 

“Leave it to you to find a loophole.” She leaned to kiss Abbey’s forehead. “Happy birthday Mrs. Bartlet.” 

Abbey pulled her into a passionate kiss, leaving Katie flushed and dazed. 

“It is now. Thank you. Simone, get Katie’s bag so she can dress in privacy.” 

“I cannot leave you alone ma'am.” 

“Fine, open the door and whistle for it.” 

“Yes ma'am.” 

Abbey checked herself in the mirror as Katie dressed. She kissed the stripper again, took one of her cards, and went back out to thunderous applause in the sitting room. 

“What did I miss?” Abbey asked. 

“Are you kidding me? We want to know what we missed.” Nora said. 

“It was just a lap dance.” 

“You are so lying.” Nancy said. 

“I'm sure the years of speculation will top whatever happened in that room. So there.” 

“I don’t think so.” Donna said. 

“Can I get fucked up now?” Abbey asked. “I am too sober.” 

“No ma'am.” Donna replied. “There is one more surprise.” 

Sid came over and smiled. 

“Hello Mrs. Bartlet. I am here to give you your birthday ink.” 

Abbey covered her mouth. 

“Oh my God! No!” 

“Mom, it'll be great. You said you wanted the rosary on your ankle like Nicole Richie.” 

“Yeah but, I never thought I would…no.” 

“Oh c’mon Abbey, it’s virtually painless.” Nora said. “I’ll do it with you.” 

“Me too.” CJ and Zoey chimed in. 

Nancy and Donna said nothing. 

“C’mon Donna.” Nora said. “You can get something small and discreet in a nice hidden place.” 

“That all of you will see.” Donna replied. “OK, OK, I'm in.” 

“Sweet! What about you Nance?” CJ asked. 

“Forget it, not doing it. Maybe for Abbey’s 120th birthday.” 

“Its OK Nancy.” Abbey said as she sat in the high back chair. “I still love you.” 

“You better.” 

“Your father is going to kill us.” Abbey said gripping Zoey’s hand as Sid started his work. 

They all said a loud goodbye and thanks to Katie as the Secret Service ushered her to a secured exit. Nora put Fat Joe in the CD player. Nancy cracked a beer and the other women looked at her with envy. CJ opened a Pepsi from the mini-bar. 

“That damn soda cost 6 bucks.” Abbey said. 

“It’s your birthday, if I can't splurge today when can I?” 

The First Lady was squinting, fighting back the pain. It was not as bad as she imagined…she knew that in a few minutes she would be numb. OK, she hoped that in a few minutes she would be numb. Whose brilliant idea had it been for her to get this on her ankle? Damn that Nicole Richie. 

“Jed has a birthday thing waiting for me.” She said. 

“And what exactly is a birthday thing?” CJ asked. 

“Please remember before answering that your youngest child is in the room.” Zoey said. 

“Right, like you and Charlie don’t…” 

“Mom!” 

“Charlie?” Nancy asked. “That’s back on?” 

“No comment. So, what about the birthday thing?” 

“I don’t know what the thing is but I am eager to find out.” 

“I don’t think I could give up having sex with Charlie either.” Nora said. 

“Agreed.” Donna said. 

“Yeah cuz 20 bucks says the speechwriter is drooling when I get home.” 

“I will wake Lauren tonight if I have to.” Nancy said. “I have had too much excitement to try to go it alone.” 

“Leo will wait up; maybe take a catnap. He knows how amorous I am after being surrounded by estrogen. What about you Donna?” 

“I will cuddle with my cat.” 

“We have got to find you a nice guy.” CJ said. 

“Charlie knows lots of attractive, fun guys.” Zoey said. 

“Democrats.” Nora added. 

“Obviously Republicans are better lovers.” Abbey said. “Right Donna?” 

“I don’t think so.” Nancy said. She was bending over and checking out Abbey’s tattoo. 

“Donna likes guys. We all know Republican women are frigid.” 

“I will meet someone as soon as the Administration is over and I have time to breathe and sleep. When I get a job with halfway decent hours. There is no need to worry; I am just waiting it out. You guys took all the eligible men in the building. All I have left is Sam and the redhead kid in the mess.” 

“OK Mrs. Bartlet, all done.” 

“Seriously? Wow, I wasn’t even paying attention anymore.” She looked down at the rosary beads and the crucifix on her foot. 

“I love this. Thank you.” 

“You're welcome ma'am. Who’s next?” 

Nancy gave Abbey a beer as Nora pulled down her skirt. She wanted a sugar bowl on her hip. 

“Write the word sugar on there so my husband does not get confused. He is a bit dumb sometimes.” 

They all laughed. Her tattoo was quick and painless for her, being her third. Donna was next. She had looked through the book Sid brought and decided on a daffodil with a bumblebee buzzing around it. It was small and cute; something she would still be OK with at 75. 

“I like that Donna.” CJ said, leafing through the book. Nothing was singing to her tonight. 

“What are you getting sweetie?” Abbey asked Zoey. 

She and Nancy had just done a celebratory shot of Southern Comfort. 

“Just my name…I think that is enough for me. I have always wanted it.” 

“You know what I just thought about.” Nora said as she had a shot of bourbon herself. “How is this not going to make the Post?” 

“Everyone has been sworn to secrecy.” Nancy said. “What happens at the Watergate stays at the Watergate.” 

“Amen sister.” Abbey said, downing another shot. 

“I told you the White House was like the mob.” CJ said. “Your tattoo is excellent Donna.” 

“Thanks.” She looked at her shoulder in the mirror and was happy with the results. 

“Who is going to hold my hand?” Zoey asked. 

“I gotcha kid.” Nora reached out for her hand. “Don’t worry; this will take Sid five minutes. Your name only has like four letters. Just don’t move.” 

“I have no idea what to get.” CJ let out a frustrated sigh. “Nothing is moving me.” 

Nancy came up behind her, leafing through the book. Donna put her feet up in the couch with the First Lady. Abbey was doing what she insisted would be her last shot of the night. 

“There it is Claudia Jean.” Nancy pointed to the small tattoo. “It’s perfect.” 

CJ smirked. 

“Ha ha, that was so funny I forgot to laugh.” 

“Look at my face; I'm being serious.” 

“You think?” 

“Let us ask the Peanut Gallery.” 

Nancy held up the book, pointing out the pink flamingo. Everyone had a good giggle. 

“Perfect CJ.” Abbey said. “Love it or hate it, it has been with you for this whole crazy ride.” 

“It will be a cute little wink, wink, nudge, nudge.” Donna said. 

“I'm done.” Zoey got up from the chair. 

“What do you think Nora?” CJ asked. 

“That is going to really turn Leo on.” 

CJ smiled, unbuttoning her blouse and removing it. She lifted her camisole a bit. 

“I want it on the small on my back.” 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

At quarter to one the First Lady’s birthday party left the hotel through the side fire exit and climbed into a waiting Yukon. It was six of them but they all fit comfortably. 

“Nancy first.” Abbey said as they moved down the street. “I had a great time tonight. I want to turn 60 again next year.” 

They laughed. 

“Well things have been stressful and we wanted to give you a good time.” Nora said. 

“You certainly did.” 

“I really want to sing Neil Diamond songs.” CJ blurted out. 

“That is because you're plastered sweetie.” Nancy replied. 

“I have a flamingo on my back and I'm going to sick dammit! Everybody on 3.” 

_Where it began, I can't begin to know when_  
But then I know its growing strong  
Oh, wasn’t the spring, whooo  
And spring became the summer  
Hands, touching hands, reaching out  
Touching me, touching you  
Oh sweet Caroline  
Bah bah bah bah 

They were halfway through the song when the SUV pulled up in front of Nancy’s building. 

“Goodnight ladies.” She leaned to kiss Abbey. “Happy Birthday darling.” 

She climbed out of the car and her agents surrounded her. CJ banged on the bulletproof glass. 

“Verse 2, on 3!” she exclaimed. 

The singing continued as the car rolled into the DC night. 


End file.
